Begin the Beguine

This is my first season participating in fantasy baseball. The season's promising to be a good one, so I figure I'll keep this "running diary" of my experiences.

Quick rundown of my league:
1) Thirteen teams in the league -- I'm the only girl.
2) All of the guys have played against each other in this league before. I'm the only virgin.
3) We live in Canada. All of us. I don't know if that means anything, but I thought I'd throw it in there.
4) There should be some sort of man law against a guy playing in the same league a girl he's dating, right? Check, not doing that.
5) Did I mention I'm the only girl?

Let me just remind everyone that I am a YANKEES fan. That's right. I am. I'm not sure if or how this will change your opinion of me, but I'm sure it's for the better.

Okay, on with it. Last night was the draft. I can't even begin to tell you how much my head was hurting and my heart was pounding at about 8:40pm. The amount of (vulgar) smack talk floating about the message board was ridiculous. I wish I could have saved it. Actually, I should have kept a live diary of the events, but oh well.

I end up getting the fourth pick -- RYAN HOWARD. Unbelievable. I was on pins and needles trying to figure out who everyone was drafting. And to make matters worse, the guy who was drafting before me is probably the SLOWEST person in the world. You know how Bengie Molina runs like his father slashed his Achilles when he was kid? Well this guy drafts at about the same speed. Somewhere between a turtle and a snail. Even worse is the guy drafting after me was in the hospital, so he was auto-drafting for the first few rounds. But I digress -- on with the draft.

I remember helping manage a team last year. He had Papelbon -- absolutely sick pickup. So I think, "I should definitely get on with it and draft my closer before they're all gone." So in the second round I take Joe Nathan. I'm pumped because he's still there and I got him. And I just get SLAMMED by the boys. "Holy hell, what is this girl doing?" comments are running through the message board. Apparently, there's some rule about 2043249 pages into the "How to Play Fantasy Baseball" handbook that NOBODY gave me. Why shouldn't you draft a relief pitcher early? Maybe you're laughing at me, but I just don't get it.

I guess my biggest problem is changing my mindset from REAL baseball to fantasy baseball. I have to realize that "Derek Jeter intangibles" don't really translate to fantasy baseball. For example, I love Michael Young, but do I trade my life for him? He is just so cute. Whoops, there's the whole girl-thing running back into it.

Back to my team -- quick rundown. Howard at first, Ian Kinsler of Texas at second (I was thisclose to drafting Robby Cano, but the turtle in front of me drafted him with about six seconds left -- I was snapping), Edgar Renteria of ATL at short and Ryan Zimmerman of the Nationals (almost ROY) at third. Quick note: I like how Yahoo keeps the Latino feeling alive by putting the accents on player names. It's kinda nice. Makes me feel all warm.

Anyway, I've got Manny (do you need a last name?), Willy Taveras of the Rockies and Mike Cameron of the Pads in my outfield. Remember that crazy collision Cameron had with Carlos Beltran a couple of seasons ago? Everytime I see his name, I still shiver. I've got Brad Wilkerson, Nick Johnson and Mark DeRosa on my bench. If you're not a big fan of baseball, there's a chance you're thinking "Who the hell?" Yeah, I would too. I was literally grabbing at straws by the 12th round. With 13 teams and 20 rounds, we're drafting 260 players total! I felt like I might as well draft that girl who played left field for the JV softball team in middle school. Instead, I got Mark DeRosa. Not sure who I'm better off with.

My one Yankee: Mike Mussina. Moosie -- I love that little hop he does after every pitch, and what a looker. Whoops, there it is again. Anyway, I've got Chris Capuano, Jered Weaver (do you think Jeff Weaver has a big brother complex?) and Daisuke Matsuzaka. Okay I'm a huge, huge Yankees fan, as you may know. I feel almost as weird as I did when Johnny Damon came over to the good side. I've been waiting for Matsuzaka to have some freak pitching accident, like a comebacker right to the elbow (graphic, I know). Now what do I do? And what do I do if he's pitching against the Red Sox? I'm watching the Sox play the Yankees in Boston in a few weeks and it's the 17th game of the season -- meaning it might be Matsuzaka. My heart is hurting.

Now we're doing post-draft nervous trades and pickups. I'm not sure how to handle all this. On one hand, I want to play the league by myself to prove to the boys that I'm not just some stupid girl. (Did I mention there are bets on what place i'm going to finish in? I'd like to thank Jeffrey for having faith in me and I'm sending out a big fuck you to Mikey for the lack of faith.) On the other hand, I want to win. I'm very tempted to run every move I make by a second and third (and fourth and fifth) party.

Anyway, my eyes are starting to burn, because I'm watching Deal or No Deal as well right now. It's ladies' night and they have a bunch of macho firefighters holding the suitcases. My mom is convinced that the twins who are playing accidentally listened to her and said No Deal (!!!!!!) when she really meant Deal (!!!!!!). I'm sure they did, momma. I'm sure they did.

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