It's the End of the World

I'm going to Vegas on Sunday for my dad's 55th birthday. It's a surprise, so I really hope he doesn't read this before then. (Dad, if you read this, just pretend to be surprised when we wake you up at 2 AM to start driving down to Seattle.) Anyway, I'll be there for part of the World Series, and that should be fun. Vegas has set the odds at 2-1 for the Red Sox, which doesn't strike me as surprising but it sure makes me upset.

I've decided to handicap the World Series, Sports Guy style, but I've got to do it now, and it's about 1:30 AM, because the series starts tomorrow. I'll try my best to be objective, but it pains be to acknowledge the Red Sox as being superior to anything in anyway. Keep a few things in mind: I've had a rough day at work, therefore I went and had a few drinks with some friends, I'm sleepy and I want to go to bed, and I hate the Red Sox more than anything. Except George Bush, but that's a completely different topic.

Here we go.

Starting Pitching:
Colorado has Jeff Francis, the top draft pick from outside Vancouver. Yes he's Canadian, but does he even compare to Boston's ace? In a word, no. Let's be honest here, Boston has Beckett and some asshole Republican who just so happens to be a World Series co-MVP a few years ago and beat the Yankees while his ankle was essentially stapled together. Oh, they also have the guy who cost them $101 million. While Matsuzaka has been less than stellar this postseason, there's nothing to indicate that Schilling won't be at least decent. After Francis, I dare you to name me one of the Rockies starters. Here they are: Ubaldo Jimenez, Josh Fogg and Aaron Cook. There they are, ladies and gentlemen: your 2007 Rockies rotation. True, the Rockies rotation has been strong this postseason, and for the last fifteen games of the regular season, but do they have a 20-game winner?
Huge Edge: Red Sox

Relief Pitching:
Because of baseball's East Coast bias, which is coupled with the AL bias, even I am looking at the Rockies WS roster and thinking, "Who?" Then I remember that LaTroy Hawkins was essentially booed out of the Chicago's North Side and Manny Corpas might have poured Gatorade on the front of his jersey in Arizona. But then I look at the Red Sox Ws roster and see Eric Gagne, and all is forgiven. When it comes down to it, the Rockies are great at getting their relief pitchers for their matchups. Brian Fuentes was an All-Star this season, before he was injured, and Matt Herges and Jeremy Affeldt really have been okay. On the other side, the Sox have Papelbon and Okajima, but if a starter gets knocked out early they still have Lester and Delcarmen. I wouldn't count on Timlin, but I hope to all that is holy Gagne somehow gets thrown out there in a tie game.
Not So Huge Edge: Red Sox (Only because of Gagne.)

Closer:
Corpas vs Papelbon. If you were dying and the only way you could win is if some guy won Texas hold 'em for you, who would you rather send in? And who would you rather have sitting there if you got 2-7 unsuited? Papelbon would just scare his opponents away. They'd have to go to the bathroom and call their mommies. It just kills me to admit that.
Huge Huge Huge Edge: Red Sox (Man, this just sucks. A lot.)

Catcher:
Whew. Finally out of that pitching thing. Yorvit Torrealba and Jason Varitek. Nothing to write home to your parents about, but you kind of just gotta roll with it. Torrealba ("Who?") is hitting .320 in the playoffs, with seven RBI! Wow. Varitek does have the slight advantage in playoff experience, but I get the feeling that he's a slight write-off in this lineup. It happens when you ground into a shitload of double plays. It just does.
Slight Edge: Rockies (Finally.)

First Base:
The first question, obviously, is do you prefer Todd Helton's facial landscape or that of Kevin Youkilis? See, I feel that Youkilis' is more just there while Helton's is actually groomed. It's been cultivated. It's like a playoff beard in hockey, except it's been waiting eleven years to get here, so it's anxious. It may be a little too anxious, cause Helton's not doing too well. As long as it can make the putouts at first and fire up the team, Helton's beard might be doing its job. Youkilis, how much do I hate thee? Let me count the ways. No, it'll take too long and I'm too tired. However, I do like that when the series moves to Colorado, David Ortiz and the plastic glove he borrowed from that guy who narrated The Sandlot will be lumbering around first.
Slight Edge: Red Sox (But I'll shift it to Rockies when in Colorado.)

Second Base:
It must SUCK to be a Mets fan right now. First of all, it only really sucks to go 5-12 over your last seventeen games if the team trailing you goes 13-4 over the same stretch. The Mets wouldn't be remember as the biggest choke artists ever if the Phillies didn't do so well. But it must REALLY suck to see the guy who was booed out of town to be flourishing in Colorado. By the end of the NLDS, Philadelphia was intentionally walking Kaz Matsui. I was absolutely giddy at the sight. He almost hit for the cycle, but was pulled before he could hit the single. The single! Dustin Pedroia's going to win the AL Rookie of the Year, and yes he got hot over the last few ALCS games, but this is a guy who admitted he doesn't hit well in cold weather. Good luck in Colorado, where it was in the 30s for game 3 of the NLDS.
Even (Barely)

Shortstop:
It's a bad sign when you were supposed to be the guy who rejuvenated the leadoff spot and suddenly you're batting eighth or ninth. It's a good sign when you're regarded as the best defensive shortstop in your league, you're looking at finishing first or second in the Rookie of the Year voting and you have this fun chant just for you. Just so you know that "Let's Go!" chant doesn't end in "Lugo!" Partly because Bostonians wouldn't be caught dead doing a silly chant like that, but mostly because you're Julio Lugo.
Less Than Huge, But Bigger Than Slight Edge: Rockies

Third Base:
If you're Mike Lowell and you were thrown in the Josh Beckett trade as the "Ahhhh-Get-Him-and-His-GINORMOUS-Contract-Away-From-Us" guy, you gotta try and redeem yourself. Yes, you're the guy who one of my friends based a "One to Mike Lowell" scale on, and yes you're kind of creepy looking, but man have you been playing for that fat contract. Lowell had better numbers than both Manny and Ortiz. That makes me sick to admit. Excuse me for a moment. Okay, I'll feel better gushing over Garrett Atkins, who's such an under-the-radar kind of guy. Yes, he's doing not so well this postseason, but he hit just over .300 in the regular season, and I need to not think about Mike Lowell.
Slight Edge: Red Sox

Left Field:
I wish Manny played for a different team. It actually hurts my heart to like him sometimes. I feel better knowing that he probably doesn't know who he's playing for, the score or where he is half the time. I wish Manny would be Manny sitting in the dugout, rather than hitting homeruns. Who's that guy that my friend Pasha still thinks won the NL MVP? Why, it's Matt Holliday! Now he looks like someone to take home to the parents. (Sorry Varitek and Torrealba.) We're talking about a batting title winner and a guy who hit 30+ homers. He also played in 158 games this year. I love Manny, but Holliday's looking pretty sweet too.
Even

Center Field:
Now here's where it gets dicey. Coco Crisp was named after a cereal and has played so damned well he could be replaced by “that kid who has an extra letter in his name,” Jacoby Ellsbury. Does Tito Francona trust the 24-year old kid who's had six postseason at-bats over the guy who has grounded into double plays in seven of his? He should. Do I hope he knows this? No. Does he read this? We're going with no. However, with Willy Taveras and Ryan Spliborghs splitting time at center and Taveras being a playoff hero for the Rockies, I'm going with a push. Unless, Tito starts Coco in every game.
Even (Unless, Tito starts Coco in every game. DO IT. I dare you.)

Right Field:
Ah, Nancy Drew saved the series. I read the Sports Guy column on J.D. Drew. It was fantastic. (Mr. Simmons, if you like my stuff, please get me a job.) Anyway, I still don't count on the tin man (no heart, get it?!) in Boston's right field to replicate his one game. Let's be honest here. Before Game 6, Red Sox fans were ready to crucify Drew, Scott Boras and Theo Epstein. Then all of a sudden, bases-clearing homer (as my dad likes to put it), and everything's forgiven. I don't blame them. I would do the same for Alex Rodriguez, but let's be honest. Nancy's not doing it again. Brad Hawpe has punished great pitchers like Brandon Webb and Jake Peavy. I'm still mad at him for going 0-4 the day I picked him up, but I can be persuaded to forgive should Hawpe have a great series. In a random note, some ESPN writer picked the Rockies to go all the way before the playoff started and picked Hawpe as the Series MVP. I wonder how much they win if it plays out like that. What would the odds be? Astronomical?
Even (I'm serious.)

Designated Hitter:
Who would even be the Rockies DH? Willy Taveras? Christ Iannetta? Jamey Carroll? Who names their kid Jamey and not James? This is silly.
Huge Huge Huge Edge: Red Sox

Bench:
Okay, here's the good thing. The Rockies, being an NL team, know how to effectively use their bench. They play matchups and work the double-switch because they have to. Who wants Brian Fuentes batting when the game is on the line? Carroll, even though I just made fun of him, is and excellent fielder, and the group of Ryan Spilboroghs, Willy Taveras and Cory Sullivan as the center fielders works. The Red Sox management, on the other hand, has no idea how to use the bench. If Francona hadn't benched Crisp, I could be handicapping the Indians-Rockies series right now. (But seriously, I wouldn't put any effort into that.) Since Wakefield has been left off the roster, Mirabelli might as well wear a banana hammock and a Yankees hat to the game, cause there's no way he's getting in. It's not like he's an offensive threat. Have Alex Cora and Eric Hinske even played this postseason? Did someone set J.D. Drew's hair on fire, or is that some ginger in right field?
Pretty Big, But Not Huge Edge: Rockies

Manager:
After the debacle that was Grady Little and Pedro Martinez, coupled with the 2004 win, Red Sox fans will usually forgive Francona for little mistakes. You can't fault the guy, he makes some pretty good decisions. He kept playing Pedroia. He pulls his starters at the right time, even if it means tiring his bullpen. But he also does dumbass things like riding Crisp, Drew and Gagne even if there's not a chance in hell that they'll succeed. (Yes, I know Drew hit a grand slam. For fuck's sake, I know.) There are things he can't compensate for. Would you really want Mirabelli over Varitek? Oh well, you're just going to have to suffer through Tek's outs. Clint Hurdle was on the hot seat at the beginning of the year. I think it's safe to say his seat is relatively cold. He's managed his team brilliantly over the last month. He brought Taveras back at the right time. The difference between the two teams is that Red Sox fans expect nothing less than a World Series, while it seems like Rockies fans are just glad to be distracted from a crappy Broncos team. Is it better to have the pressure or to be happy-go-lucky?
Big Edge: Red Sox

Intangibles:
Well, we can't gloss over Derek Jeter's aura and mystique. Oh shit. I hate this. Okay, here we go. The Rockies beat the Red Sox twice this season in Boston, beating Schilling and Beckett in blowouts. True, that was in June, but it should be comforting to myself that all three Rockies starting pitchers during that series are scheduled to pitch. And it should be comforting that Jeff Francis pitched a GEM that Thursday in June. It should. Also, do we know how the Red Sox players are going to react to that thin Denver air? You see, I didn't really notice it when I was in Denver, but that Coors Light really gets to you. Do you think Manny will just wonder how he feels so stoned when he left his stash in Boston? I'm kidding. I love Manny.
Even (Only because the Rockies are 2-1 over the Sox. This YEAR.)

So, if I was a betting woman, and I am, I'd take the Sox. But I'm not (taking the Sox, even though I am a betting woman). I hate them too much to hope they win for my own selfish gain. I will bet against the Sox until the day I die. I never understood my Red Sox friends who could parlay a Yankees game. I would feel dirty. Yes I have that Red Sox pen, but I've scratched almost all of the logo off.

So I'm hoping the Rockies win. I am praying to all that is good and holy, please let the Rockeis win. But as I said earlier, I wouldn't be surprised if the Red Sox win. I would just be miserable.

Photo Source: MSNBC.com